I am trying to figure out what life is about.
Saw Our Town for the first time on Sunday, and it really touched me. Made me want to pay attention to everything, each little twitch.
Saw the Doc today. We decided that I'll start on Herceptin again. Have to have an Echocardiogram before I start to make sure my heart is doing okay. Hoping that the Herceptin will stop the growth of tumors in my lungs. Talking with the Doc is surreal. He looks at me and sees that I am moving towards dying, and his goal is to give me the best life possible on that journey. I just feel alive, right now. Can't conceive of dying. Give me a treatment that will stop this progression, and I can live forever, right? But we talk about his plan, how he wants certain treatments in his 'back pocket' if and when we need them. Don't really want to start using Tykerb yet, cause we might need it in the future. Don't want to go to systemic, cytoxin chemo. We might need that somewhere down the road, when everything else stops working.
What???
I refuse to live in that future possibility. I am alive right now. Nothing is wrong right now. I am alive. We'll deal with the other, when and if it comes.
In the meantime, great news. I will go to Minneapolis and Milwaukee in June and see people I love. Yay!
Thank you for letting me share these words with you, scary as they might be.
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
The Track Coach
It is funny to me how some things have stuck in my head, since so many other events, moments, movies, etc., have just disappeared.
So this morning, I get up thinking about this latest challenge with cancer, not freaked out or anything, it is just on my mind. And then I remember something the track coach said once, back in high school.
I remember at the time marveling over that, turning it over in my mind, having a private little 'a-ha' moment at 15.
I loved running the hurdles and was fairly good at it for a fat girl. I liked the rythmn of it. "Step-step-over, step-step-over".
But I would slow down in that run between the last hurdle and the finish line. I would see the finish line and think "Ahhhh, relief, I get to stop".
So I imagine that I needed that little moment, that thought, this morning. Just my brain and my soul trying to take care of me.
Keep running kid. Jump the hurdles. Don't slow don't when you see the finish line.
So this morning, I get up thinking about this latest challenge with cancer, not freaked out or anything, it is just on my mind. And then I remember something the track coach said once, back in high school.
"Don't slow down when you see the finish line."
I remember at the time marveling over that, turning it over in my mind, having a private little 'a-ha' moment at 15.
I loved running the hurdles and was fairly good at it for a fat girl. I liked the rythmn of it. "Step-step-over, step-step-over".
But I would slow down in that run between the last hurdle and the finish line. I would see the finish line and think "Ahhhh, relief, I get to stop".
So I imagine that I needed that little moment, that thought, this morning. Just my brain and my soul trying to take care of me.
Keep running kid. Jump the hurdles. Don't slow don't when you see the finish line.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
USB Ports
Computers have changed a lot since I was a girl.
Oh, who am I kidding. We didn't have computers when I was a girl.
That sounds funny. As though I'm no longer a girl. Does that make me a boy?
I think that all of the USB ports are no longer functioning. That's gonna suck.
Busy week ahead. I'll be on the road to Phoenix and back twice, Monday and Friday. As much as I really hate that drive, there is something sweet about it because I love my car. I'll pick out some good music today and get it in the car so I have lots to listen to. Sometimes I just stay on NPR, my window to the world. So mind expanding. It's like all the hippies from the day who took LSD figured out how to get the same mind expanding feeling, just with information. Sorry NPR, I'm sure that wasn't what you intended.
So, just to wrap things up on the doctor front, no one ever called about trying a different test. And the new prescription did come in the mail.
However. The prior drug, Femara, I had a prescription for 90 days supply. That cost me $87.50. The Aromasin prescription was written for a 30 day supply. That cost me $87.50. So I check online and sure enough, if they had written it for a 90 day supply, it would have been (drum roll....) $87.50!
I guess it is too much to ask that they (doctor) look at what I was doing in the past and figure I'd still like to do the 90 day supply. Surely they are familiar with meds by mail that cost way less when you do 90 days instead of 30. Or maybe if they looked at it and just weren't sure what I would like, they would call me back and ask. I was carrying the phone in my pocked all day last Monday waiting for the 'other' call, so I could have very easily helped them out.
So I wrote to the Meds company online and explained what the doctor had done and that I would not pay $87.50 for only 30 days when I could get 90 days for the same price. I tried to call and leave a message for the doctors, but of course they aren't open on Saturday. Nor do they provide an option to leave a message for anyone.
So tomorrow morning, as I am on the road to Phoenix, I will call them and ask what the heck they were thinking. And ask them to fix it. And I'll carry my phone around with me all day, hoping that they'll answer me, but I won't even put it on 'manner mode' cause I'm sure they'll never call. And the other thing with the tests? I won't even mention it. But the Doc is getting an earful on the 11th when I see him.
Okay, okay. "Bitter! Party of One!"
Sorry for all the bitching.
Mae
Oh, who am I kidding. We didn't have computers when I was a girl.
That sounds funny. As though I'm no longer a girl. Does that make me a boy?
I think that all of the USB ports are no longer functioning. That's gonna suck.
Busy week ahead. I'll be on the road to Phoenix and back twice, Monday and Friday. As much as I really hate that drive, there is something sweet about it because I love my car. I'll pick out some good music today and get it in the car so I have lots to listen to. Sometimes I just stay on NPR, my window to the world. So mind expanding. It's like all the hippies from the day who took LSD figured out how to get the same mind expanding feeling, just with information. Sorry NPR, I'm sure that wasn't what you intended.
So, just to wrap things up on the doctor front, no one ever called about trying a different test. And the new prescription did come in the mail.
However. The prior drug, Femara, I had a prescription for 90 days supply. That cost me $87.50. The Aromasin prescription was written for a 30 day supply. That cost me $87.50. So I check online and sure enough, if they had written it for a 90 day supply, it would have been (drum roll....) $87.50!
I guess it is too much to ask that they (doctor) look at what I was doing in the past and figure I'd still like to do the 90 day supply. Surely they are familiar with meds by mail that cost way less when you do 90 days instead of 30. Or maybe if they looked at it and just weren't sure what I would like, they would call me back and ask. I was carrying the phone in my pocked all day last Monday waiting for the 'other' call, so I could have very easily helped them out.
So I wrote to the Meds company online and explained what the doctor had done and that I would not pay $87.50 for only 30 days when I could get 90 days for the same price. I tried to call and leave a message for the doctors, but of course they aren't open on Saturday. Nor do they provide an option to leave a message for anyone.
So tomorrow morning, as I am on the road to Phoenix, I will call them and ask what the heck they were thinking. And ask them to fix it. And I'll carry my phone around with me all day, hoping that they'll answer me, but I won't even put it on 'manner mode' cause I'm sure they'll never call. And the other thing with the tests? I won't even mention it. But the Doc is getting an earful on the 11th when I see him.
Okay, okay. "Bitter! Party of One!"
Sorry for all the bitching.
Mae
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Meaning of Life
You can't keep it. No matter how hard you try, you don't get to keep it. Life is lived, it flies by, it passes you up, it goes ahead and comes behind.
There is no stopping and possessing it. You can only be right here, right now.
Life is fleeting. Have fun with it. Live it loud.
When I tell people about my cancer, they are amazed that I'm not a weeping heap of tears. But who the heck can live like that??
I am disappointed that I may not get to retire and do the things I dreamed of. But the reality is that I have done the things I love to do, and I have a good and full life. And I can't keep any of it anyway.
Live.
There is no stopping and possessing it. You can only be right here, right now.
Life is fleeting. Have fun with it. Live it loud.
When I tell people about my cancer, they are amazed that I'm not a weeping heap of tears. But who the heck can live like that??
I am disappointed that I may not get to retire and do the things I dreamed of. But the reality is that I have done the things I love to do, and I have a good and full life. And I can't keep any of it anyway.
Live.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Opening Statements
I don't think I ever expected to live this long, but now that I have, I want to live longer.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2000, and then found that it had metastasized in 2007, into my sternum.
Most of the time I don't think about it. But today, there was someone in the obituaries who died from cancer, age 57. I just have to wonder how long I have.
Mae
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2000, and then found that it had metastasized in 2007, into my sternum.
Most of the time I don't think about it. But today, there was someone in the obituaries who died from cancer, age 57. I just have to wonder how long I have.
Mae
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