It's Raining, It's Pouring

I am trying to figure out what life is about. 

Saw Our Town for the first time on Sunday, and it really touched me.  Made me want to pay attention to everything, each little twitch.

Saw the Doc today.  We decided that I'll start on Herceptin again.  Have to have an Echocardiogram before I start to make sure my heart is doing okay.  Hoping that the Herceptin will stop the growth of tumors in my lungs. Talking with the Doc is surreal.  He looks at me and sees that I am moving towards dying, and his goal is to give me the best life possible on that journey.  I just feel alive, right now.  Can't conceive of dying.  Give me a treatment that will stop this progression, and I can live forever, right?  But we talk about his plan, how he wants certain treatments in his 'back pocket' if and when we need them.  Don't really want to start using Tykerb yet, cause we might need it in the future.  Don't want to go to systemic, cytoxin chemo.  We might need that somewhere down the road, when everything else stops working.

What???

I refuse to live in that future possibility.  I am alive right now.  Nothing is wrong right now.  I am alive.  We'll deal with the other, when and if it comes.

In the meantime, great news.  I will go to Minneapolis and Milwaukee in June and see people I love.  Yay!

Thank you for letting me share these words with you, scary as they might be.