Hans is both aggressive and needy. He's probably aggressive because he is so needy. Am I assigning human feelings and emotions to him? Somehow, I just don't think so. What he does and what he feels is very real and true.
There was a time in my life when I was so incredibly needy. (I was NOT, however, aggressive!) I felt 'cast adrift' when my mother died. She was 48, I was 16. I ended up doing some things that traumatized me even more, and then spent years bawling about them and my mother, to anyone who would listen.
Here's what would be the equivalent of my 'elevator speech' back in the early 70's.
Hi. My mother died when I was 16 and 9 months later my father married a woman who is 2 years older than me. (Silent message: Bring on the Pity!!!)
My first year in college, my good friend Patty gave me a card that (basically) said "No one wants to hear about this anymore." So I pretty much didn't talk to her after that. Fast forward another six or seven years and I got the same speech from Gayle. That time I listened.
I am so completely different from the young girl I was, and not just because I'm older. Thank you to all of you who pushed me along and helped me grow. And not just back then. Right up til now.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Alpha Dog
I have never felt the need to be the "alpha dog" (as it were), but I find that I am.
Evidently, the fact that 5 days a week I get dressed up and leave the house for 8 to 10 hours has convinced the boys that I am endowed with special powers and am to be worshipped. This causes some consternation in the household. When G leaves, they howl, inconsolable. She is considered 'one of them' we think. And she is the leader when I'm absent. Sam comes next, a fact that makes Hans miserable. Hans, as the smallest dog, but the one with the most testosterone, believes he should be, maybe not the alpha dog, but at least above Sam. He spends a great deal of time challenging Sam's position. Sam, on the other hand, is secure in his position and pretty much pays no attention.
Hans doesn't really care about playing with toys so much, but he must have the toy that Sam is currently squeaking. If Sam appears to be having fun, Hans will start to fight with him, growling, barking, grabbing Sam's collar and tugging. If Sam is lying serenely on the couch, Hans stands over him, giving him a close up view of things Sam would rather not see. Hans tries and tries to exit the door first, never managing that. It is a constant struggle.
I really feel sorry for him. With no effort on my part, I find myself the alpha-dog. And for all his struggling, he can't climb that ladder.
Struggle less. Enjoy the place you are, more. Unless, of course, you are a dog.
Evidently, the fact that 5 days a week I get dressed up and leave the house for 8 to 10 hours has convinced the boys that I am endowed with special powers and am to be worshipped. This causes some consternation in the household. When G leaves, they howl, inconsolable. She is considered 'one of them' we think. And she is the leader when I'm absent. Sam comes next, a fact that makes Hans miserable. Hans, as the smallest dog, but the one with the most testosterone, believes he should be, maybe not the alpha dog, but at least above Sam. He spends a great deal of time challenging Sam's position. Sam, on the other hand, is secure in his position and pretty much pays no attention.
Hans doesn't really care about playing with toys so much, but he must have the toy that Sam is currently squeaking. If Sam appears to be having fun, Hans will start to fight with him, growling, barking, grabbing Sam's collar and tugging. If Sam is lying serenely on the couch, Hans stands over him, giving him a close up view of things Sam would rather not see. Hans tries and tries to exit the door first, never managing that. It is a constant struggle.
I really feel sorry for him. With no effort on my part, I find myself the alpha-dog. And for all his struggling, he can't climb that ladder.
Struggle less. Enjoy the place you are, more. Unless, of course, you are a dog.
LOL
As I am wiping up the (how do I say this delicately....) 'regurgitation' of the small dog, I have to smile. I am in charge of cleanup.
Funny, I think it suits me. Not such a bad job at all really.
Ahhhh, Life.
Funny, I think it suits me. Not such a bad job at all really.
Ahhhh, Life.
Monday, December 28, 2009
My long weekend over, back to work tomorrow. I look forward to seeing my friends.
Tried to deal with prescriptions today and tests. I need to change over to Aromasin from Femara, and have to have the doctor send in the prescription. Can't ever reach the actual person you want to talk to. And I was supposed to have some kind of scan (PET) before I see the doc in January. But I can't afford another PET, so asked if I should have the PET at the end of this year instead, since my deductible is already paid. Well, no, let's do a CT scan of your lungs. Okay I say, but can we find out how much that will cost me? I'd like to do it before the end of the year if I can. I mean, what's the difference between a test on December 30th and a test on January 8th?
Oh, well, I'll transfer you to ........ she says, so I say okay, and off I go and I leave my message and then wait all day with my cell phone in my pocket. And of course, nothing.
If I can't get this test done before year end, or for really cheap at the start of the year, I'm waiting til July when I can change the deductible I selected.
Then she tells me about someone, a friend's relative. He had everything, then lost it all, his job, health insurance, and he breaks his ankle or leg, but decides to tough it out because of the lack of insurance. He gets a blood clot that goes to his heart, and now he's on machines, waiting for his children to get here to see him one last time, even though he is already gone. He was 43. He died because he didn't have health insurance and didn't want to incur the cost while he was going through a tough time.
That's just insane.
But here I am, delaying a test for 6 months because I can't afford to pay another $2k all at once.
These decisions are difficult. I am weighing finances against health. What wins?
Tried to deal with prescriptions today and tests. I need to change over to Aromasin from Femara, and have to have the doctor send in the prescription. Can't ever reach the actual person you want to talk to. And I was supposed to have some kind of scan (PET) before I see the doc in January. But I can't afford another PET, so asked if I should have the PET at the end of this year instead, since my deductible is already paid. Well, no, let's do a CT scan of your lungs. Okay I say, but can we find out how much that will cost me? I'd like to do it before the end of the year if I can. I mean, what's the difference between a test on December 30th and a test on January 8th?
Oh, well, I'll transfer you to ........ she says, so I say okay, and off I go and I leave my message and then wait all day with my cell phone in my pocket. And of course, nothing.
If I can't get this test done before year end, or for really cheap at the start of the year, I'm waiting til July when I can change the deductible I selected.
Then she tells me about someone, a friend's relative. He had everything, then lost it all, his job, health insurance, and he breaks his ankle or leg, but decides to tough it out because of the lack of insurance. He gets a blood clot that goes to his heart, and now he's on machines, waiting for his children to get here to see him one last time, even though he is already gone. He was 43. He died because he didn't have health insurance and didn't want to incur the cost while he was going through a tough time.
That's just insane.
But here I am, delaying a test for 6 months because I can't afford to pay another $2k all at once.
These decisions are difficult. I am weighing finances against health. What wins?
Sunday, December 27, 2009
December 27, 2009
For the past 4 days I've had the luxury of sitting in the sunshine, inside, in my comfy chair, with one or two Schnauzers on my lap. It's like heaven really.
I've been thinking a lot about this entire year with a lot of wonderment about how many things changed. Last Christmas we celebrated with wonderful friends who have since moved far away. I miss them every day. It has been a long time since I had a good friend in this way. Gerry and I speak about everything, but having an 'other' to share with was splendid. And we still talk, but never enough.
A long time ago, (a long, long time ago), there was this man. And while he contributed to a great deal of pain and confusion in my life that lasted for quite a while, he also gave me a piece of poetry that has informed, and nudged and guided me for all my life since then. It was a time of sappy poetry, Rod McKuen.
"You turn a corner, and things change."
There's a lot more to it, maybe I'll post the whole thing some day, but that phrase is almost my mantra. When you finally realize that everything and anything can change in an instant, you focus more on the moment. This 'is', right now. You turn a corner? Things change.
Live now.
For the past 4 days I've had the luxury of sitting in the sunshine, inside, in my comfy chair, with one or two Schnauzers on my lap. It's like heaven really.
I've been thinking a lot about this entire year with a lot of wonderment about how many things changed. Last Christmas we celebrated with wonderful friends who have since moved far away. I miss them every day. It has been a long time since I had a good friend in this way. Gerry and I speak about everything, but having an 'other' to share with was splendid. And we still talk, but never enough.
A long time ago, (a long, long time ago), there was this man. And while he contributed to a great deal of pain and confusion in my life that lasted for quite a while, he also gave me a piece of poetry that has informed, and nudged and guided me for all my life since then. It was a time of sappy poetry, Rod McKuen.
"You turn a corner, and things change."
There's a lot more to it, maybe I'll post the whole thing some day, but that phrase is almost my mantra. When you finally realize that everything and anything can change in an instant, you focus more on the moment. This 'is', right now. You turn a corner? Things change.
Live now.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Meaning of Life
You can't keep it. No matter how hard you try, you don't get to keep it. Life is lived, it flies by, it passes you up, it goes ahead and comes behind.
There is no stopping and possessing it. You can only be right here, right now.
Life is fleeting. Have fun with it. Live it loud.
When I tell people about my cancer, they are amazed that I'm not a weeping heap of tears. But who the heck can live like that??
I am disappointed that I may not get to retire and do the things I dreamed of. But the reality is that I have done the things I love to do, and I have a good and full life. And I can't keep any of it anyway.
Live.
There is no stopping and possessing it. You can only be right here, right now.
Life is fleeting. Have fun with it. Live it loud.
When I tell people about my cancer, they are amazed that I'm not a weeping heap of tears. But who the heck can live like that??
I am disappointed that I may not get to retire and do the things I dreamed of. But the reality is that I have done the things I love to do, and I have a good and full life. And I can't keep any of it anyway.
Live.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Autumn
It was a busy week. Too cold in the morning to go out, then dark by the time I came home...never got outside all week.
The pomegranate tree turned gold while I wasn't looking, and all the leaves dropped off of the ocotillo. The season has turned. How easily it slips away.
I hit the wrong key and lost most of the post. Perhaps it was not meant to be seen.
The pomegranate tree turned gold while I wasn't looking, and all the leaves dropped off of the ocotillo. The season has turned. How easily it slips away.
I hit the wrong key and lost most of the post. Perhaps it was not meant to be seen.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
T
Looks like the cancer is now in my lungs, the left lobe, and growing. A PET Scan 3 mtinonths ago showed activity, and another in October (2009) shows the activity increased and that it has grown. Now they are still talking about tiny tiny spots, but growing. How do you live your life when you come face to face with dying?
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Opening Statements
I don't think I ever expected to live this long, but now that I have, I want to live longer.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2000, and then found that it had metastasized in 2007, into my sternum.
Most of the time I don't think about it. But today, there was someone in the obituaries who died from cancer, age 57. I just have to wonder how long I have.
Mae
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2000, and then found that it had metastasized in 2007, into my sternum.
Most of the time I don't think about it. But today, there was someone in the obituaries who died from cancer, age 57. I just have to wonder how long I have.
Mae
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