Fun.

Oh, living is so fun.

Saw [title of show] tonight.  Ohhhh, how fun.  I laughed so hard.  Wept a little too.  Life is sometimes heart-wrenchingly dear.

Christopher McGovern is wonderful, so funny, so very sweet!  Mark Brady, you hit the jackpot.

I'm a happy girl tonight.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

I am trying to figure out what life is about. 

Saw Our Town for the first time on Sunday, and it really touched me.  Made me want to pay attention to everything, each little twitch.

Saw the Doc today.  We decided that I'll start on Herceptin again.  Have to have an Echocardiogram before I start to make sure my heart is doing okay.  Hoping that the Herceptin will stop the growth of tumors in my lungs. Talking with the Doc is surreal.  He looks at me and sees that I am moving towards dying, and his goal is to give me the best life possible on that journey.  I just feel alive, right now.  Can't conceive of dying.  Give me a treatment that will stop this progression, and I can live forever, right?  But we talk about his plan, how he wants certain treatments in his 'back pocket' if and when we need them.  Don't really want to start using Tykerb yet, cause we might need it in the future.  Don't want to go to systemic, cytoxin chemo.  We might need that somewhere down the road, when everything else stops working.

What???

I refuse to live in that future possibility.  I am alive right now.  Nothing is wrong right now.  I am alive.  We'll deal with the other, when and if it comes.

In the meantime, great news.  I will go to Minneapolis and Milwaukee in June and see people I love.  Yay!

Thank you for letting me share these words with you, scary as they might be.

The Track Coach

It is funny to me how some things have stuck in my head, since so many other events, moments, movies, etc., have just disappeared. 

So this morning, I get up thinking about this latest challenge with cancer, not freaked out or anything, it is just on my mind.  And then I remember something the track coach said once, back in high school. 

"Don't slow down when you see the finish line." 

I remember at the time marveling over that, turning it over in my mind, having a private little 'a-ha' moment at 15. 

I loved running the hurdles and was fairly good at it for a fat girl.  I liked the rythmn of it.  "Step-step-over, step-step-over". 

But I would slow down in that run between the last hurdle and the finish line.  I would see the finish line and think "Ahhhh, relief, I get to stop". 

So I imagine that I needed that little moment, that thought, this morning.  Just my brain and my soul trying to take care of me.

Keep running kid.  Jump the hurdles.  Don't slow don't when you see the finish line.

Damned Cancer

So, I kind of freaked out this morning.  I decided I couldn't wait until the 27th to talk to someone about what is going on in my lungs.  God bless Jon Schwartz.  He called and we talked. 

The bottom line, he says to me, "Do you hear any high anxiety in my voice?"  It's still very small, we don't have confirmation that it is even cancer.  It is indeed suspicious.  But radiation isn't an option...I have been radiated there before.  Biopsy, not an option, still too small.  So maybe we wait, do PET scans, watch.  Or maybe we go back on Herceptin.  That's kind of my vote. 

He said, several times, I don't want to do systemic chemo because of the impact on your quality of life.  I find myself with a dry cough that sometimes gets the best of me.  My left lung hurts.  We talk about what we want to do.  I have no grand and lofty goals....should I have some?  ?Does it matter?  Will it matter?

Not Great News, But Still Alive~

Today I had a CT Scan.  Or maybe a CAT scan.  They keep saying one or the other.

It was very quick compared to a PET scan.  And Kristine called with the results this afternoon.

Okay, so.  The nodule in my lung that we saw before, has increased in size and activity.  And there's a new one that cropped up in the last 3 months, and is now 4mm in size. 

I have an appointment on the 27th to talk to the Doc and see what the next treatment is.  I wish I had never stopped the Herceptin. Did I bring this on myself by stopping that?

I don't want a toxic chemo....please, no. 
I've got a really busy next week, so I'm glad I don't have to worry about this til the 27th. 
And then, I look at these poor, poor people in Haiti.  What on earth am I afraid of?

Doctors and tests and service in America

I have said this for years.  Some of you have probably heard me say this.

I despair for the future.  Service in America is only going to go down from here. 

When I encounter excellent service, I am so thrilled.  But so often, I am subjected to neglectful service.

My doctor's scheduler really doesn't give a darn about whether or not I'm taken care of.  I ask her to give a message to people and she doesn't. 

I don't think I'm being a prima donna, I really don't.  I just want a decent response.  some little bit of attention.

Phoenix and Back

Drove to Phoenix and back yesterday.  No serious delays or problems.

It's probably just a little weird how much I enjoy my car.  It's a little bit of a guilty pleasure I guess.  After years of being the one who drove the Fiero and the BMW's, I don't think G is truly happy in the 'family car', a Ford Taurus Station Wagon.  I was theoretically supposed to drive it, and she was going to get a used convertible once I sold my 1995 Toyota Pickup Truck.  But when it came down to it, I just couldn't let the truck go for some reason, and then, by the time I was ready to sell it, (and truthfully, even before that) I just didn't want to drive the station wagon.  I thought I would.  I thought it was a good solution for us.  I didn't want the open bed truck any more because I was always being asked to haul things.  The wagon fit all the supplies I would need to go to an art show or fair with my things.  But by this point I was driving to a job each day, and I just couldn't see myself in that car.  When I was working for ourselves, I didn't drive the truck on a regular basis.  I remember even asking G if we could both 'share' the smaller car depending on who was going somewhere on any particular day.  The wagon would be the utility vehicle, the 'second' vehicle.  I couldn't do it on a daily basis.

So in December of 06, I wanted a Beetle.  She wanted a convertible.  We bought this baby blue, grey rag top.  It is my sanctuary in many ways.  My music, my radio station.  I now drive us to the fun things we do together. 

The drive to and from Phoenix was like extended therapy yesterday.

USB Ports

Computers have changed a lot since I was a girl.

Oh, who am I kidding.  We didn't have computers when I was a girl. 

That sounds funny.  As though I'm no longer a girl.  Does that make me a boy?

I think that all of the USB ports are no longer functioning.  That's gonna suck.

Busy week ahead.  I'll be on the road to Phoenix and back twice, Monday and Friday.  As much as I really hate that drive, there is something sweet about it because I love my car.  I'll pick out some good music today and get it in the car so I have lots to listen to.  Sometimes I just stay on NPR, my window to the world.  So mind expanding.  It's like all the hippies from the day who took LSD figured out how to get the same mind expanding feeling, just with information.  Sorry NPR, I'm sure that wasn't what you intended.

So, just to wrap things up on the doctor front, no one ever called about trying a different test.  And the new prescription did come in the mail.

However.  The prior drug, Femara, I had a prescription for 90 days supply.  That cost me $87.50.  The Aromasin prescription was written for a 30 day supply.  That cost me $87.50.  So I check online and sure enough, if they had written it for a 90 day supply, it would have been (drum roll....) $87.50!

I guess it is too much to ask that they (doctor) look at what I was doing in the past and figure I'd still like to do the 90 day supply.  Surely they are familiar with meds by mail that cost way less when you do 90 days instead of 30.  Or maybe if they looked at it and just weren't sure what I would like, they would call me back and ask.  I was carrying the phone in my pocked all day last Monday waiting for the 'other' call, so I could have very easily helped them out. 

So I wrote to the Meds company online and explained what the doctor had done and that I would not pay $87.50 for only 30 days when I could get 90 days for the same price.  I tried to call and leave a message for the doctors, but of course they aren't open on Saturday.  Nor do they provide an option to leave a message for anyone. 

So tomorrow morning, as I am on the road to Phoenix, I will call them and ask what the heck they were thinking.  And ask them to fix it.  And I'll carry my phone around with me all day, hoping that they'll answer me, but I won't even put it on 'manner mode' cause I'm sure they'll never call.  And the other thing with the tests?  I won't even mention it.  But the Doc is getting an earful on the 11th when I see him.

Okay, okay.  "Bitter!  Party of One!"

Sorry for all the bitching.
Mae

Happy Agitated New Year

We spent a wonderful evening, shared fondue, sipped a nice wine, watched the ball drop in Times Square (hokey, but a tradition). 

So why did I toss and turn all night, feeling agitated?

I come from a long line of worriers.  My father was a worrier.  He worried himself to death.  Was sure he had some fatal disease.  Turned out he did.  When they diagnosed him, he was completely vindicated and at peace.  He died the next day.  Of course, he was sure about that fatal disease most of his life...and eventually, that's bound to come true, even if it's "natural causes".  Life, if you think about it, is fatal.

In the past, I have seriously worried about how much I worry. Hasn't been so bad lately though.  So last night was a little unsettling.  I'll spend the day trying to shake the feelings of doom.  Or maybe just the next ten minutes.

Happy 2010.  Here's to Love, family, good friends, health and prosperity.  (Not necessarily in that order at any given time throughout the year.)